So my mail box has been, surprisingly, quite choked with a number of emails all asking me the same question: “Where the fuck are you?”
It’s flattering to have so many people who actually want to know what I’m up to. It’s also frankly a bit disturbing. Maybe I should be twittering less about the various stages of discomfort in my genitalia and more about what I’m actually up to (perhaps I can combine the two. Each genital-related updated can be a metaphoric explanation of the goings-on in my life).
If I have to sum up my current activities in one word, that word would be “Diapers.” My beautiful, wonderful, glorious daughter has, at two months old, excreted enough suspicious looking substances to fill a mid-sized lake. My wife and I are, therefore, deluged in diapers (you remember “Deluged in Diapers” right? They opened for The Spin Doctors in ’96. Nyuck nyuck!). We carry them with us wherever we go, they fill every empty space in the house. We fashioned a bed out of them and use it in the guest bedroom and if the apocalypse comes I’m probably going to shelter under a several hundred packs.
I have become a diaper expert. Pampers, for example, fits snugly but leaks. The locally produced brand leaks pee as well as poo. Essentially it is a comfortable sieve. The manufacturers seem to have misunderstood the basic function a diaper should provide. The imported Pampers, which are slightly more expensive, are slightly better designed. They contain the pee, but still provide the same amount of protection against poo as a used tissue would against a tsunami. Now Huggies is slightly better, provide more protection against both substances, but are not as readily available, which causes problems at 2:30 in the morning when you realize you are out. I have yet to try SUSU Diapers. Yes, “SUSU”. Oh to be a fly on the wall in the meeting when they decided the brand name.
“No, that’s silly. We can’t name a diaper after urination.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”
“Are you trying to piss me off!?”
“Please escort this asshole out of…wait…what?”
“Stand down everyone. I think we have a winner.”
So yes, SUSU Diapers. The packaging, which uses the severely underutilized Curlz font, that has sadly fallen out of favour with birthday banners and wedding shower announcement e-vites the world over, proudly proclaims that SUSU is an “alcohol free” diaper. Fucking what!? Alcohol free? Does that mean the other brands are full of booze? No wonder my daughter keeps peeing and pooing, she is getting hammered on her diaper! My poor baby has been turned into a corner wino by the insidious bastards at Pampers (although the alcohol content must be quite minimal. I barely got a buzz going after ingesting nearly an entire 20-pack of Huggies).
So yes, diapers. That has been my existence.
Oh, that and I quit Dawn News, the company that was my secondary place of residence for the last 3 years. No hard feelings or anything. They cancelled News Weakly, I didn’t feel like I had anything else I wanted to work on and an internationally affiliated advertising agency bribed me into becoming their Creative Director with scads of money and the promise of a corner office. The money, after taxes, becomes a great deal less than scads sadly, and the corner office is less an office and more a solitary confinement cell. Bowl of piss and side of toast not included.
The comedy thing has been a bit slow as a result. Keep planning on hammering out a new stand up show, but never really get the time to do it. Now that I’ve finished building my beautiful new website www.samishah.com, I can finally find the time to start working on some new acerbic witticisms.
Oh, and I will pretty soon be making a huge announcement on the comedy front. Won’t say anything until all the final pieces fall into place, and I am paranoid about jinxing it by talking about it, but soon. Hopefully. Soon.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some friends coming over and I need to finish the diaper punch I’m making. They may not get you drunk easily, but with some lemon, ginger and vermouth they taste great!