Gah! Spent last weekend performing the Live version of NEWSWEAK.
Dressed like a gay Victorian-era magician.
The shows went…oddly. First night had a low attendance and I blame myself for a mediocre show. Got nervous, spoke to fast and fumbled alot. Basically not that different from a first date with me, except without the awkward attempts at a kiss to end the night with.
Second night I got my game-face on. Much better. Plus the visual accompaniment really kicked things up a notch, for which I owe my beautiful wife. She can add it up to the other things I owe her (like an apology for hypnotizing her into marrying me).
Oh, and before I forget: A big Fuck-You to everyone who walked into an 8:30 pm show half an hour late. Your inability to read time and respect a performer caused undue disruption and distraction. May you contract a host of venereal diseases and suffer many long nights of itching agony. And just as you are about to pull your pants down to pour salt-water over your burning privates, may an annoying fuckwit of your acquaintance burst into the room, point at your swollen extremities and laugh with hyena-like glee.
And on that note, a truncated-due-to-time-constraints, episode of NEWSWEAK. Just 4 days late.
Robert (Mad Bobby) Mugabe has been hogging the headlines globally all week now with his wild and crazy antics that involve voter intimidation, election rigging, assaulting UN observers and brutalizing the opposition. Or as he calls it, Tuesday, that’s a Good Tuesday.
Now Mugabe lost the first-stage of the election which came as a bit of a surprise when you consider he had rigged it higher than a tent pole at a circus that caters exclusively to tall people. You know you are unpopular when you lose an election that you rigged.
However, displaying a fighting spirit that inspired everyone from Pakistani politicians to Hillary Clinton, Mugabe is not calling game over just yet. In the three weeks since the first election he has directed his supporters to do whatever it takes to win. With a campaign slogan of “A chicken in every sink, a car in every garage, your head on a spike and my foot up your arse…yes we can! Yes we can!”.
His opponent Morgan Tsvangirai, faced with 20,000 of his supporters being beaten and thrown out of their homes and over 500 supporters killed, has wisely gone into hiding. So basically the election taking place in Zimbabwe today has officially got one candidate, Robert Mugabe. And he is taking no chances at losing, even to himself.
Tsvangirai’s campaign officials issued a statement today asking supporters to vote if they felt their lives were in danger…ofcourse it is the act of voting that puts their lives in danger, so maybe that is a clever riddle instead of a direct instruction, the solving of which will reveal to you Morgan Tsvangirai’s current location.
EMPIRE WATCH now, which is where I take a look at News from the U.S., although I don’t look for too long or I might go blind and spend the rest of my life muttering about Paris Hilton.
President Bush first, who in the last few months of his Presidency has dedicated himself selflessly to destroying all diplomatic relations America has with the rest of the world.
In a meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Bush said, “I am reminded of the great talent of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.”
He then called up Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and asked him to fix his computer, Karate chopped Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and then told President Musharraf to drive him to the airport and try to get him there fast or no tips.
Other news from the U.S., as Senator Clinton has finally stopped pouting and started campaigning for Barack Obama, although that may just be an excuse to get out of the house and avoid Bill Clinton taking a “raise your hands if you’ve been a President” vote every time its his turn to do the dishes.
The manner in which Hillary’s show of support has been reported in American papers is evidence of the cultural phenomenon that Obama has created, Hillary is being described as catching “Obamamania”, which means she is crazy about Obama. The Republican party has been described as “Obamaphobic” which is a hate and fear of Barack Obama.
Other conditions Americans need to prepare themselves for are, “Acute-Obama-itis” which is characterized by mild inflammation of any part of your body that is suffering from excessive Obamamania. Nothing to be concerned about unless it doesn’t clear up in 14 days in which case you run the risk of being diagnosed with “Chronic-Obama-itis” for which you might need to take a course of anti-biotics, or rather anti-Obama-otics.
The bigger risk, ofcourse, lies in catching Genital-Obamas, which are like warts except they keep saying “Yes we can! Yes we can!”