Refugees of the world Unite! If you have ever spent time in an internment camp, or floating off the coast of Australia in a make-shift raft while sharks leap out of the ocean at you. If you have ever had your home bombed to rubble by American forces bent on your freedom. If you have ever grown up in a pile of rubble with a stick named “sticky” as your only parent because an Israeli settler needed a new wing on his house. If any, or indeed, all of these descriptions map your lifestyle, then you are a refugee! And that means the U.N. celebrates you today! That’s right, the worlds most ineffectual planetary body has taken time out from celebrating World Picnic Day (last tuesday) and World Post Day (next month) to honor your sacrifices! So light a blood soaked candle and hold it aloft as the world glances your way for a few brief moments before making small talk with itself and escaping the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with you.
The U.N. also announced today that the total number of refugees worldwide exceeds 40 million. Which means that by the year 2065 we will all be refugees. There will no non-refugees in the world. How can everyone in the world be a refugee you ask? It’s easy when our new Martian ice-lords awaken from their slumber and take over our planet. Thanks alot NASA!
Zimbabwe now as Mad Bobby Mugabe is at it again. Facing the prospect of losing an election he rigged higher than a tent pole at a circus that only caters to tall people, Mugabe has directed his supporters to basically beat the living shit out of everyone else. Keeping in mind that by “supporters” I am mispronouncing “thugs, murderers and everyone with the power to do whatever the hell they want”.
It is a bold campaign tactic on Mugabe’s part. Whereas in American, Senator McCain is hoping to highlight Senator Obama’s inexperience to win the election there, in Zimbabwe Mugabe has resorted to a simpler campaign tactic. With a slogan of: “A chicken in every sink, a car in every garage, your head on a spike and my foot up your arse…yes we can! Yes we can!”, Mugabe has frightened his opposition enough that they are considering withdrawing in the face of increasing violence.
To reconfirm any doubt that Mugabe is open to change and willing to reconsider his role as President-for-life-my-life-and-yours-bitches, one need only look so far as his most recent statement: “Only God can remove me from office,” said Mugabe. He then send a round of thugs over to God’s house and had him kicked in the shins and tossed out onto the road.
In other news, earlier in the week Afghanistan decided it was tired of putting up with 100 years of being invaded and decided to turn the tables and do some invading of its own! Earlier in the week, Afghan President Hamid Karzai threatened to invade Pakistan to capture Taliban leaders. This threat came on the heels of Karzai’s visit to Paris where his supporters in the U.S. Government told him to basically “go for it dude!” and “yeah! you da man Karz!”
Pakistan responded to the threat by pointing out it would be more..well, threatening…if Karzai were able to leave Kabul for even 5 minutes without being gang-raped by Taliban militants.
Karzai also said it was better for Afghan troops to be killed during offensive operations into Pakistan than in militant attacks in Afghanistan. Afghan troops then said they would actually find it best of all not to die at all. But that’s just their man-on-ground perspective.
And finally, in Empire Watch now, the segment where we take a closer look at the U.S. and then run away shrieking.
President Bush has decided to dedicate the last few months of his Presidency to completing his promised role as destroyer of worlds. Faced with oil prices that are increasing in direct proportion to the plummeting qualities of his popularity, Bush has demanded that congress reconsider the ban on off-shore oil drilling.
Lets do the math now: Opening federal lands off the US coast to oil drilling would provide enough oil consumption for 2.5 years, but will take a decade to produce. So either way, by the time we get the oil, we would have reached the Mad Max styled, enter the thunderdome sort of civilization where Oil is the new gold.
((For live performances of News Weak, catch me at the Chuckling Priestman Comedy Club in Second Life on Friday night, 10 pm SLT.))