BREAKING NEWS FROM HISTORY:
This week marks the anniversary of the death of Irani leader and the poster boy for angry shia’s for years to come, the Grand Ayatollah Khomeini. Upon his death Khomeini was replaced by his chosen successor, Khamanei, which basically meant that as far as non-Iranians are aware, the similarity in pronunciation has created the belief that Iran is ruled by the a 135 year old man. Also in the running were the populist leader Khiminei, the hard liner Khoomoonei and the cuddly Khyminei.
Also in history this week is the Tianamen square massacre, when several hundred students in China protested their governments brutality and fascist tendencies. The chinese government showed its sensitivity to their complaints by having them beaten, shot at and run over. The day after the massacre a lone figure entered the history books as the unknown rebel as he stood in front of a procession of tanks with his shopping bags in hand and then spoke to one of the tank commanders, demanding…well we don’t know what he demanded. People have guessed for years, some saying he said “please leave us alone”, others that he asked “why are you doing this.” It is only with recent advances in digital video enhancement that we can finally make out his fateful words, which were: “I got the fabric softener, that’s in this bag but I couldn’t find the brand of Tuna you wanted. Oh and on your way home can you get a new poster of Mao? This one hanging over our bed has gotten crinkled.”
Moving over to news from this week now…and Obama has done it! The U.S. general election has finally begun! The electoral foreplay that was the primaries has come to an end and now its time for the democratic shagging that we have all yearned for.
Hillary Clinton has shown a remarkable grasp of reality and announced the suspension of her campaign on Saturday. This means that if Hillary Clinton had become president then she would have required an average of 4 days to process any kind of news.
Her speech on the day that Obama announced his victory was very similar to the speech my high school girlfriend gave me on that fateful night when I tried to press my luck and go all the way. Lots of hope building followed by that terrible terrible sentence: “I won’t decide anything tonight.”
Rumor has it that Hillary is now trying to figure out a way to pay off her debt. Which means she might have to resort to her tried and true tactic of turning up at her own doorstep and hassling herself until she cuts herself a cheque to make herself leave herself alone.
Talk now of her angling for the Vice Presidential spot. The Obama camp says it is unlikely though, not wanting to wake up the day after inauguration to find knives embedded in their backs and Hillary standing on the desk in the Oval Office, over Obama’s cooling corpse, yelling “MINE! MINE! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
Also in the news this week is Khaled Sheikh Mohammad, the supposed mastermind behind 9/11 and the highest ranking Al-Qaeda member in U.S. custody. In a courtroom surrounded by razor wire fences and a general gulag-esque ambience, Khalid Sheikh stood trial with four co-defendants, one of whom KSM has been accused of bullying. The prosecution has noted the aggressive behavior shown by Khaled towards his bunk-mate and added Unprovoked Wedgie and Vicious Noogie to his prior charges of mass murder and terrorism.
Human Rights activists have complained that the trial is far from free and fair and Khalid Sheikh himself has complained about being tortured. America pointed out that everyone should have thought of that before close to 3000 people were killed.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammad took time out during his trial to lecture the court artist on how to portray him accurately, a vain concern that is understood when one takes a look at his passport photo:
UN Food Crisis summit updates now! A 60% increase in food prices since the beginning of 2007 has sparked riots in more than 30 countries that depend on imported food. Food riots have erupted in countries like Cameroon, Egypt, Haiti and other countries the West would love to care about but can’t really bring itself to. At the summit, great criticism was levied against Bio-fuels, but America and the European nations refused to budge on the increasing usage of Bio fuels. This is, by the way, the biggest “fuck you” to the developing world. Not only are the planets prosperous eating all the food, but they are also burning it for ethanol production. America would rather have fuel, than food. In the future we will drive to restaurants to watch celebrity chefs using a variety of rare and expensive ingredients to create an exquisite meal of magnificent taste and great cost and then set the meal on fire as we tip the waiter and drive home.
Rice, the staple crop that we have taken for granted too long is now causing riots globally. In the Phillipines people have been accused of illegally hoarding rice. In Zimbabwe, Robby Mugabe bribed voters with the promise of rice. So rice, now, is the new gold. Music videos will feature rap stars wearing bags of rice around their necks. Strip clubs will be full of business men emptying rice into the g-strings of strippers.
And finally, news from the Red Planet, where Man has begun his raping of the virgin martian soil, as the Phoenix Lander stabs its metal cock into the Martian regolith to see if the plant is wet. Photos sent back from Mars have that same grainy low light quality depicting mechanical penetration that were the salient features of the Paris Hilton sex tape.