Good God damn. That was fun but exhausting. The 3-4-5 Tour comes ended (albeit, tentatively).
I wanted to keep updating the blog throughout the tour but I am still too poor to buy the laptop I covet and so had no net connection all weekend.
I did, however, maintain an honest to goodness journal the entire trip. Transcribing events as soon as they occurred, like a soldier in a foxhole writing a letter to his girlfriend, knowing he might never get to send it to her. Instead I press the letter into a brother-in-arms’ hand, tightly closing his fist over it, “You give this to her. You hear me, on your mother’s grave you give this to her! And tell her I died like a man!”
And then it’s over the foxhole, charging headlong into enemy gunfire. For God and Country…
I have no idea what that was about.
Thursday, November 23rd
PACC – KAR
“…i fart everytime i’m on stage…”
The first show of the tour. I think we were all at our most nervous.
I print out a poster that says, “SHOW MAYS CONTAINS XPLICIT MATERIAL.” Saad then picks on me mercilessly for half an hour because English Major’s are apparently not allowed to make typos and I am not cool enough to write things phonetically.
Got used to Amean J watching us through a camera lens as he documented the tour.
Danish opened big, Saad set the raised the tempo and then I talked about masturbation.
Afterwards we decide to celebrate with some coffee. Realized even though we just entertained an audience that was 50% women, we would not be allowed to enter the coffee shop because women can’t deal with us without a stage in between.
Ended the night eating bar-b-que.
Friday, November 24th
“…i am on k-fed’s side on this…”
Start the morning with an FM89 interview to hype the tour. Danish struggles with headphones. Saad struggles with Britney Spears’ legacy.
Flight to Lahore is almost empty so obviously we are even louder and more obnoxious than normal. Check into SUNFORT HOTEL which is actually nicer from the inside than the exterior would have you believe. Perform for LUMS students who skipped out on studying for exams and delegation of Indian MBA’s who were just great sports.
Later that night Saad gets into argument with room service because they won’t send up more than 2 glasses per room. Serious discussion about comedy follows into the wee hours of the morning.
Saturday, November 25th
LUMS/NAIRANG – LHR
“…what’s a porno…”
I apparently snored all night. Saad elbowed me hard in the ribs to get me to stop. It didn’t work.
We discover none of us brought deoderants. Or belts. Documentary footage derails into hour long lament on “when comedian’s pack.”
LUMS alumni show is under gigantic tent for audience of 50 old people.
No. One. Bloody. Laughs.
Head back to hotel for shower and manful weeping and then over to Nairang Gallery for evening show. Five minutes before show is about to start to packed audience, a gigantic man dressed in crisp white clothes asks Saad for money to help Kashmir.
Lahore audience loves us. I get to use the word “daguerrotype.”
Dinner and drinks after show in what looks like a Scandinavian brothel, where there are many beautiful women and none that will talk to us.
Sunday, November 26th
PLANET X – ISB
Wake up to discover I have lost my voice. Sound like Sohail Hashmi and Bob Dylan’s love child.
Spend entire drive to Islamabad mute. Reach Danish’s house and do shots of salt-water.
The capital is freezing. Four layers on and still shivering. Voice not back.
Go on and perform in a mix of croaks and whispers. Apparently it’s the best performance I have done all weekend. Even try out two new bits I wrote on the drive to Islamabad, to much success.
Leave while Danish is performing to rush to airport. Get there to find flight delayed by 4 hours. Sit in departure lounge listening to new Stephen King novel.
Rules of travel:
- Don’t yell too much at start of tour.
- Pack accessories carefully.
- Don’t leave hair gel in hotel bathroom.
See you next time Punjab!