PHALLIC FALLACIES

I wrote this for a local newspaper but they chose not to run it. Don’t blame them given that I knew it was a bit of a long shot and their decision to drop it is more to do with my own safety than any concern they might have for themselves. Still, I spent too much time looking up slang terms for penis to let this go to waste. Thus reproducing it here while I work up a new, less crotch-focused column.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

American’s know the truth: nothing distracts like a penis.

Recently, Anthony Weiner, a member of U.S. House of Representatives, decided to go online and expose his own member. The visual homage to his last name sent copy-editors across the United States into a penile-pun frenzy, all while being grateful he hadn’t been born Anthony Anus instead. What happened next should be closely studied by our own political and military leadership. Despite currently being shafted by its own economy, trapped in a war that it erected around itself and with a Republican party that is preparing to mount an election, America spent the next few days only making phallus jokes. As discussions of Weiner’s wiener filled every blog, newspaper and tv channel, Americans forgot about how their country had been completely cocked up since Dick Cheney’s days in office, with no sign of their problems shrinking. Their interest pricked, their government is free to dicker with their rights and waste their tax money willy nilly.

In Pakistan we need such a distraction. Our armed forces and government have exposed the common man’s helplessness by ignoring our every plea and urinating on our dignity and self-respect. The least they could do is flash us with some attention diversion. Now before you misunderstand, let me clarify that I am not, under any circumstances, demanding that Babar Awan show us his mini-doctorate or Rehman Malik take photos of his interior ministry. Nor am I advocating for Nawaz Sharif to let loose his Punjabi pee-pee, Imran Khan his little tiger or any General let loose his missile. After all, they have all already done that on a metaphorical level.

Just give us something ridiculously funny to focus on while you continue to do everything in your substantial power to destroy our lives. In other countries, viral videos are clips on the internet that show kittens sneezing and skateboarders getting their nethers smashed. In Pakistan it is footage of innocent people being beaten to death or shot in public. We can’t watch mindless soap operas and sitcoms until someone develops solar powered televisions and we can’t go outside because the gangs of marauding political party workers are as likely to shoot us as each other. Do you see our dilemma? We have been shown that we have no power to affect the change we need and we don’t have anything else we can put that frustrated energy into. Any hope we had of seeing things improved have died when we realized that even global embarrassment like the Abbotabad incident and the murder of Saleem Shehzad have brought you no closer to repentance. So we sink deeper into depression, turn on one another and wait for the miracles to save us.

So let us laugh instead. Do something silly and hilarious that makes you seem less cruel and sadistic. Even Bin Laden became more human when we realized he was a porn fiend just like the rest of us. It won’t change the fact that you are criminally insane and will probably eventually kill us all so you can ride to safety on a wave of mutilation and murder, but at least we won’t notice the pain anymore. So stop being so selfish and start being creative. It won’t cost you anything. A picture of a political pecker will go a long way towards your own ease of mind. After all, if we are laughing at your diminutive dongs, we certainly won’t be out on the streets protesting and slowing down your destructive deadlines.

Stop wasting time, think of the greater good and post a picture of your penis. If nothing else, it will help us see what has been screwing us all this time.