NEWSWEAK – EPISODE 4 (Bobby Mugabe & There will be oil!)

Refugees of the world Unite! If you have ever spent time in an internment camp, or floating off the coast of Australia in a make-shift raft while sharks leap out of the ocean at you. If you have ever had your home bombed to rubble by American forces bent on your freedom. If you have ever grown up in a pile of rubble with a stick named “sticky” as your only parent because an Israeli settler needed a new wing on his house. If any, or indeed, all of these descriptions map your lifestyle, then you are a refugee! And that means the U.N. celebrates you today! That’s right, the worlds most ineffectual planetary body has taken time out from celebrating World Picnic Day (last tuesday) and World Post Day (next month) to honor your sacrifices! So light a blood soaked candle and hold it aloft as the world glances your way for a few brief moments before making small talk with itself and escaping the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with you.

The U.N. also announced today that the total number of refugees worldwide exceeds 40 million. Which means that by the year 2065 we will all be refugees. There will no non-refugees in the world. How can everyone in the world be a refugee you ask? It’s easy when our new Martian ice-lords awaken from their slumber and take over our planet. Thanks alot NASA!

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Zimbabwe now as Mad Bobby Mugabe is at it again. Facing the prospect of losing an election he rigged higher than a tent pole at a circus that only caters to tall people, Mugabe has directed his supporters to basically beat the living shit out of everyone else. Keeping in mind that by “supporters” I am mispronouncing “thugs, murderers and everyone with the power to do whatever the hell they want”.

It is a bold campaign tactic on Mugabe’s part. Whereas in American, Senator McCain is hoping to highlight Senator Obama’s inexperience to win the election there, in Zimbabwe Mugabe has resorted to a simpler campaign tactic. With a slogan of: “A chicken in every sink, a car in every garage, your head on a spike and my foot up  your arse…yes we can! Yes we can!”, Mugabe has frightened his opposition enough that they are considering withdrawing in the face of increasing violence.

To reconfirm any doubt that Mugabe is open to change and willing to reconsider his role as President-for-life-my-life-and-yours-bitches, one need only look so far as his most recent statement: “Only God can remove me from office,” said Mugabe. He then send a round of thugs over to God’s house and had him kicked in the shins and tossed out onto the road.

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In other news, earlier in the week Afghanistan decided it was tired of putting up with 100 years of being invaded and decided to turn the tables and do some invading of its own! Earlier in the week, Afghan President Hamid Karzai threatened to invade Pakistan to capture Taliban leaders. This threat came on the heels of Karzai’s visit to Paris where his supporters in the U.S. Government told him to basically “go for it dude!” and “yeah! you da man Karz!”

Pakistan responded to the threat by pointing out it would be more..well, threatening…if Karzai were able to leave Kabul for even 5 minutes without being gang-raped by Taliban militants.

Karzai also said it was better for Afghan troops to be killed during offensive operations into Pakistan than in militant attacks in Afghanistan. Afghan troops then said they would actually find it best of all not to die at all. But that’s just their man-on-ground perspective.

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And finally, in Empire Watch now, the segment where we take a closer look at the U.S. and then run away shrieking.

President Bush has decided to dedicate the last few months of his Presidency to completing his promised role as destroyer of worlds. Faced with oil prices that are increasing in direct proportion to the plummeting qualities of his popularity, Bush has demanded that congress reconsider the ban on off-shore oil drilling.

Lets do the math now: Opening federal lands off the US coast to oil drilling would provide enough oil consumption for 2.5 years, but will take a decade to produce. So either way, by the time we get the oil, we would have reached the Mad Max styled, enter the thunderdome sort of civilization where Oil is the new gold.

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((For live performances of News Weak, catch me at the Chuckling Priestman Comedy Club in Second Life on Friday night, 10 pm SLT.))

NEWSWEAK – LIVE!

This is going to either change the way you look at comedy…or the way you look at me:

tickets available from Monday (23rd June) for Rs. 400/-

NEWSWEAK – EPISODE 3 (BUSH’S REGRET & CHEAP LIVING IN THE U.K.)

Before we start our look at the top stories of the week, let’s pause to light a birthday candle for Ernesto “Che” Guevara. Oh Ernesto, you will always be remembered by people everywhere for your middle-distance gaze immortalized in photograph and for allowing the beret a brief come-back.

Little known fact about the Argentine Marxist revolutionary: After being pulled from his mothers leftist womb, the infant Che began chronicling his loss of innocence and growing disillusionment with the conditions of his parent’s one-up two-down apartment, thoughts later published as the Pram Diaries. A month after his birth he violently overtook his sister cot and then spend the next few weeks hiding under the kitchen sink. Only one photograph survives of this turbulent period, its popularity and chances at pop-culture immortality hurt only by an extremely unsightly gigantic red diaper with a yellow star-ish shape spreading across the front.

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Time now for the top stories for the week starting the 9th of June, 2008.

EMPIRE WATCH first, as we take a look at major news coming out of America. A quick glance really, as staring too long at the United States can cause temporary blindness.

President Bush has been touring Europe as his presidency is in its last six months and if he doesn’t avail the Airforce One frequent flier miles then they expire along with his access to the loo in the Oval office. His most recent stop has been to Vatican City, where President Bush met with Pope Benedict XVI.

The President and Pope, which by the way is a great name for a series of children’s stories about the misadventures of a head of state and his papal buddy. Bush and Pope Benedict had a stroll and a chat in the vatican gardens, flanked by First Lady Laura Bush and U.S. Ambassador Mary Ann Glendon, which caused Bush to quip “We are surrounded by impressive women.” The Pope responded by pointing to a statue of Mary, mother of Christ, and asked when was the last time either Laura or Ambassador Mary Ann had given immaculate birth to the Son of God.

President Bush also asked a Vatican aide how big Vatican city is, to which the aide replied, “Not as big as Texas,” disappointing the President who thought he had given an easy set-up for a “not as big as yo’ mama” response.

As is customary, the two gentlemen then exchanged gifts. The Pope gave the President a four-volume illustrated book set about the history of St. Peter’s Basilica, and the President, in return, gave a…framed picture of himself with the Pope. A framed picture. In exchange for the four-volume book set. A framed picture. Half the composition of which contained himself. Not even a picture of a nice sunset or two kittens playing with a motivational or inspiring line about getting up in the morning to a bright new day inscribed over it. President Bush you cheap bastard.

Earlier in the week, President Bush had paused found the time to sit down the journalists from Brit newspaper the Times on-board Airforce One for an exclusive interview. He gave the interview while wearing a jacket emblazoned with his name and carried a mug with POTUS written on it, stopping just short of writing “President Bush wuz ‘ere” in permanent marker on the foreheads of the Times’ reporters. Written in reverse ofcourse so he can read it  while sitting across from them and smirk confidently. In the interview, President Bush showed human signs of regret at becoming perceived, by the world, as a guy “really anxious for war” in Iraq. To give the world some credit though, the next day he gave a speech in Paris in which he reiterated the need to consider military action against Iran. Which might be the root of his complaint. He doesn’t want to be remembered as being anxious for war with Iraq. That is so 2002. That is how first-term President Bush wants to be remembered. Second-term Bush wants to be remembered as being anxious for war with Iran now.

Bush also said he was hoping to “leave behind a series of structures that makes it easier for the next president.” Those structures, on close inspection however, have been found to be architecturally unsafe and prone to collapse. He also took a moment to praise Afghan President Hamid Karzai who has been dogged by allegations of corruption, and British PM Gordon Brown who is racing Bush to the top of the “Unpopularity Polls”. President Bush then ended the interview by touching a healthy child on the forehead and giving it leprosy, passing his hand over a blossoming red rose and turning it ash gray and praising the honesty and moral integrity of pedophiliac rap artist R. Kelly.

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Speaking of Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the man who has made Tony Blair look like “a sweet chap with a penchant for supporting invasions that we wish we had overlooked”. Brown, this week, managed to just barely pass a bill through the House of Commons that allows terror suspects to be detained for 42 days without charge.  Britons are just grateful that they now have alternative short-term housing arrangements in the face of rising living costs. 42 days incarceration can also be seen as a month and a half of rent-free living in a small studio apartment with minimalist interiors, attached bathroom and a secure environment. It’s all in how you look at it.

Also in Legal News this week, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that Guantanamo detainees have the right to seek release in civilian courts. What this means is that detainees can now actually file habeas corpus suits over such frivolous things like being beaten, fed shit, posing in naked human pyramids and being subjected to Congress’ favorite mode of artistic expression – Waterboarding.

GOP nominee, Senator John McCain, has described the ruling as “one of the worst decisions in the history of his country.” Worse even than the decision to deny protection against racism in the notorious Slaughter House Cases of 1873, to uphold racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson 1896, and to authorize 8 years of costly unending war, a shattered economy and the erosion of civil liberties in Bush v. Gore, 2000.

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Moving on to MAD EARTH NEWS, we have the only man alive who can work a sash, a pair of ray-bans and a permanent 7′oclock shadow.

That’s right, the “mad dog” of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi is back in the news. In a classic case of, “who the hell asked you!” Gaddafi has described Barack Obama as a black man with an “inferiority complex” who might behave “worse than whites.” Presumably that implies that Obama, if allowed to become President, will attain whiter than white status, or maybe even go transparent. He will become so white that light will literally travel through him, refracted only slightly as he falls to the ground convulsing whenever he tries to dance, smashes his face into the rim when he tried to jump and speaks in an increasingly nasal voice.

Also in news makes you go eugh! Egyptian authorities have banned a 92 year-old man from marrying a 17 year-old girl. Somewhere, right now, Anna Nicole Smith just twitched angrily in her grave.

(actual picture from the BBC article!)

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((For live performances of News Weak, catch me at the Chuckling Priestman Comedy Club in Second Life on Friday night, 10 pm SLT.))

NWN: MY MOMENT IN THE VIRTUAL SUN…

Second Life’s very own imbedded journalist, Wagner James Au, attended one of my in-world shows two weeks ago and then interviewed me over the course of the next few days. On his fantastic blog, New World Notes, he just posted an article about me and my shows. To read it click here.

((That was the restrained, calm, official statement-type response to the article. Now the more accurate representaition of my feelings in 3…2…1…CUE!)

AAAH!!! An article about me! Plus my steampunk av and my chimp av made it in!! Plus a video of me performing!! AAAAH! Read NOW you bastards!! read!!!!

MACHINIMA ME BABY…

My very own Second Life Machinima (courtesy of SL’s own imbedded journalist, Hamlet Au):

NEWSWEAK – EPISODE 2

BREAKING NEWS FROM HISTORY:

This week marks the anniversary of the death of Irani leader and the poster boy for angry shia’s for years to come, the Grand Ayatollah Khomeini. Upon his death Khomeini was replaced by his chosen successor, Khamanei, which basically meant that as far as non-Iranians are aware, the similarity in pronunciation has created the belief that Iran is ruled by the a 135 year old man. Also in the running were the populist leader Khiminei, the hard liner Khoomoonei and the cuddly Khyminei.

Also in history this week is the Tianamen square massacre, when several hundred students in China protested their governments brutality and fascist tendencies. The chinese government showed its sensitivity to their complaints by having them beaten, shot at and run over. The day after the massacre a lone figure entered the history books as the unknown rebel as he stood in front of a procession of tanks with his shopping bags in hand and then spoke to one of the tank commanders, demanding…well we don’t know what he demanded. People have guessed for years, some saying he said “please leave us alone”, others that he asked “why are you doing this.” It is only with recent advances in digital video enhancement that we can finally make out his fateful words, which were: “I got the fabric softener, that’s in this bag but I couldn’t find the brand of Tuna you wanted. Oh and   on your way home can you get a new poster of Mao? This one hanging over our bed has gotten crinkled.”

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Moving over to news from this week now…and Obama has done it! The U.S. general election has finally begun! The electoral foreplay that was the primaries has come to an end and now its time for the democratic shagging that we have all yearned for.

Hillary Clinton has shown a remarkable grasp of reality and announced the suspension of her campaign on Saturday. This means that if Hillary Clinton had become president then she would have required an average of 4 days to process any kind of news.

Her speech on the day that Obama announced his victory was very similar to the speech my high school girlfriend gave me on that fateful night when I tried to press my luck and go all the way. Lots of hope building followed by that terrible terrible sentence: “I won’t decide anything tonight.”

Rumor has it that Hillary is now trying to figure out a way to pay off her debt. Which means she might have to resort to her tried and true tactic of turning up at her own doorstep and hassling herself until she cuts herself a cheque to make herself leave herself alone.

Talk now of her angling for the Vice Presidential spot. The Obama camp says it is unlikely though, not wanting to wake up the day after inauguration to find knives embedded in their backs and Hillary standing on the desk in the Oval Office, over Obama’s cooling corpse, yelling “MINE! MINE! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

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Also in the news this week is Khaled Sheikh Mohammad, the supposed mastermind behind 9/11 and the highest ranking Al-Qaeda member in U.S. custody. In a courtroom surrounded by razor wire fences and a general gulag-esque ambience, Khalid Sheikh stood trial with four co-defendants, one of whom KSM has been accused of bullying. The prosecution has noted the aggressive behavior shown by Khaled towards his bunk-mate and added Unprovoked Wedgie and Vicious Noogie to his prior charges of mass murder and terrorism.

Human Rights activists have complained that the trial is far from free and fair and Khalid Sheikh himself has complained about being tortured. America pointed out that everyone should have thought of that before close to 3000 people were killed.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammad took time out during his trial to lecture the court artist on how to portray him accurately, a vain concern that is understood when one takes a look at his passport photo:

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UN Food Crisis summit updates now!  A 60% increase in food prices since the beginning of 2007 has sparked riots in more than 30 countries that depend on imported food. Food riots have erupted in countries like Cameroon, Egypt, Haiti and other countries the West would love to care about but can’t really bring itself to. At the summit, great criticism was levied against Bio-fuels, but America and the European nations refused to budge on the increasing usage of Bio fuels. This is, by the way, the biggest “fuck you” to the developing world. Not only are the planets prosperous eating all the food, but they are also burning it for ethanol production. America would rather have fuel, than food. In the future we will drive to restaurants to watch celebrity chefs using a variety of rare and expensive ingredients to create an exquisite meal of magnificent taste and great cost and then set the meal on fire as we tip the waiter and drive home.

Rice, the staple crop that we have taken for granted too long is now causing riots globally. In the Phillipines people have been accused of illegally hoarding rice. In Zimbabwe, Robby Mugabe bribed voters with the promise of rice. So rice, now, is the new gold. Music videos will feature rap stars wearing bags of rice around their necks. Strip clubs will be full of business men emptying rice into the g-strings of strippers.

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And finally, news from the Red Planet, where Man has begun his raping of the virgin martian soil, as the Phoenix Lander stabs its metal cock into the Martian regolith to see if the plant is wet. Photos sent back from Mars have that same grainy low light quality depicting mechanical penetration that were the salient features of the Paris Hilton sex tape.