Feel like television these days is neutered? Missing the bite that marked Pakistani journalism? Think PEMRA mistook Orwell’s “1984″ for a media-studies guide? Want me to shut up and get to the point?
I got yer’ media fix right here! Watch highlights from my latest show over at the Tube of You.
UGLY MULLAH’S
INTERVIEWING A DRUG MULE
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
Or, How to Lose Friends and Annoy the Shit out People
1. Use The Coffee Shops: There are few environments that lend themselves as well to nurturing rebellion and revolution as a nice coffee shop. Between over-priced frapaccino’s and foamy latte’s, the words of resistance fall fast and hard, like coffee beans poured in a green cup at the end of a “Koffee with Karan” promo. Future Che’s can take breaks between articulating the call for freedom and reading old science-fiction paperbacks on comfortable seating, all to the soothing sound of Jazz and Qawalli and Buffalo Springfield. Ideal venue seats 80 people and allows free wifi so that blogging and facebook-ing can continue during the planning stages of the revolution.
2. Create Symbols of Resistance: In South Africa, during the height of the Apartheid, the locals took to spray painting the letter “V” on walls everywhere. It was a call to Victory and a homage to a low budget sci-fi tv-show. The Palestinians in the meantime, used paintings of Saddam Hussein to annoy the Israeli’s. The belief being that the enemy-of-my-enemy-is-picture-of-my-mad-friend. If the elite and irrelevant of Pakistan don’t have a similar symbol, then they will never be true rebels and social agitators/annoyances. To that end a single striking image is needed. Something strong. Something bold. Something that has absolutely no cultural relevance whatsoever. This will do just fine:
Notice the perfect way the image references and pays homage to the symbolism of a cultural movement that has absolutely no local relevance. Notice the artistic composition, using strikingly bad typography and bizarre copy writing choices. It screams non-violence in the use of the term “sock it” which is a slang-relic from a bygone era. It pronounces irrelevance and is guaranteed to be popular with the self-important and irritating.
3. Move the Movement Online: Yeah! pOwnzeREd! Teh Rule! It’s 2007 baby. This revolution with not be televised, it will be blogged! A Clarion call must go out. Quickly! To Facebook! If you really want to hit the Government where it hurts, really show them you mean business and dammit YOU WON’T BACK DOWN! Then just add one of these to your facebook profile:
The stark appropriation of a cliched and over-used symbol is exactly what Musharraf needs to see for him to know that the people are not fucking around anymore. This bullshit needs to end! Or I will fucking poke you! Now accept my Vampire invitation Musharraf so I can ascend to the next level. I will poke you!
4. Wear a Black Armband: This means business. It means war. It is a move that heralds the end of your patience as a silent revolutionary. Now you are gonna take shit to the fore. Let the world know you are ready for the biggest sacrifice in the name of your people: Looking like a complete fucking idiot! The strip of black cloth, knotted stylishly around your forearm is going to be your Aids ribbon. It will be your Live Strong bracelet. For maximum effect wear it to events where the drunken revelry puts every one in just the right mood to want to slap your annoying fucking face. And then answer any questions about the said armband with such a complete lack of humor and self-awareness that once I am done pissing in your bloodied empty eye-socket I feel completely justified in my actions. Now fuck off you twat.
5. Finally, Choose An Individual As Your Rallying Point: Every revolution needs a figurehead. The South African’s had Mandela. The Tibetans have the Llama. We are Pakistani, so let’s ensure our figurehead is uglier than everyone else’s. Step up to the plate Iftikhar! You lazy-eyed sunovabitch! How can we resist you with that Captain Hook-style mustache. The penchant for dark glasses. The wandering eye. The neatly trimmed bob. The googly eye. Did I mention the eye? Fuck is it looking at me or not!? Can it maybe see into the souls of men? See the need for Justice? Or does it fire lazers or some shit? Either way it freaks me the fuck out and that’s exactly what I want in my leader. C’mon men! This one’s for Sauro…I mean, Iftikhar Chaudhry.
Fuck I forgot my black armband at home. Go ahead to the Candle Light Vigil. I’ll be right behind you. If I’m late please light a candle for me real hard! Light the shit out of it. That’ll show Musharraf.
See, I was planning on updating this the day after the show. And then Musharraf declared a State of Emergency. This one is not my fault!
So how did it go?
Wow. Seriously. Packed to the walls. Great great crowd. The right laughs at the right time. The flat-out best show of my life. Tickets sold out completely and we had to turn some people away.
Word of advice: Next time get to the show on time. Not 45 minutes late and then demand to be let in.
My beautiful wife Ishma handled the door with all the skill and professionalism of a box-office manager at a Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert. My friend Teimoor handled the door with the efficiency of a bouncer in Ibiza. And Saad gave me the nicest and most crowd-exciting intro ever.
Pics were taken. A video was made. And if I had delayed this show another week like I had planned, it never would have happened. So there.
Gave tons of interviews later. Let’s see if the Friday Times prints theirs. Or Newsline. The Daily Times deserves a gold medal for Laziest Review Ever. Can’t be arsed to write a proper review? Just go ahead and print all my punchlines after re-writing them to lose all comedic effect.
I think the nicest review, and probably the most professionally written, was over on Karachi Metblogs.
Videos were recorded. Pictures were taken. I shall media blitz you to hell in the upcoming days.
In the meantime, here’s a picture of the day I did something I can be truly proud of:
